Friday, April 22, 2016

But I'm Not Done Yet! : A Harder Lesson on Trust

Just a couple weeks ago I poured out my heart about how I'd been learning to trust God in uncomfortable and unwelcome situations. My heart, my home, and my arms were full and my trust level was reaching an all-time high. Everything seemed to be perfect.

And then, boom.

Out of nowhere, completely unexpected and all-too-painfully sudden, my babies were taken from our home. There was no warning, no preparing our hearts... They were just... gone.

I'm not going to lie, for about 5 minutes I let the anger and confusion of my flesh win. I questioned why God ripped so much good from my life. I was irritated at the way it all happened. I thought we were supposed to get some notice. Why did it have to be so hard?

After those 5 minutes were up, I realized my actions and immediately asked God to help me trust Him in one of the darkest times of my life. His peace wasn't far behind. Still, my emotions were all but "okay." I couldn't walk into their room and see the toys over in the corner without feeling sick. When a tiny sock fell out of a mound of towels I was removing from the dryer, I felt like I was losing my mind. I couldn't stand looking at the highchair in the kitchen, so we moved it upstairs and out of sight. When I wasn't sobbing uncontrollably, I was numb. Completely numb. Hours would go by and I'd realize I hadn't moved. It was by far the worst experience I've yet to face thus far in life. It felt like death, honestly. It was so quick... So unexpected... So unfair... It was very traumatic. I still have a hard time understanding what happened and why.

Needless to say, after several days passed, I realized I couldn't continue on in the state that I was currently in. Aaron went outside to work in the yard, so I used that time to start de-cluttering the house... again. I walked into our bedroom and when I saw the empty space where the bassinet used to reside, I lost it again. I cried aloud to God, "Why did they have to go? Why did You let them take them away?" My mind traveled back to the very first and last post I wrote with the babies in my life and I said, "I was in my highchair, Lord! I waited for You to set down the plate. And then You took it before I was even finished. God, I'm not done! I wasn't ready! I'm not done! ... ... ...

I'm not done."

I wept and poured out every last drop of emotion in my heart to the God I'd trusted my life to. I just didn't understand. I was hurting. I was confused.

Not long after that, I got a random text from my mom. She'd been periodically calling or texting to check in and that's what I assumed this text was about. But, when I picked up my phone, I saw these words:

"Don't forget we dedicated those boys to the Lord. He's got this. He'll take care of you and He'll take care of them. They're His babies."

I felt a wave of that peace that passeth understanding flood my heart at that moment. I knew, once again, God was going to take care of it all in the best way possible. I made myself look back over my life and remember every other difficult trial I'd faced. I started recalling all those moments that were so hard it became nearly impossible to breathe. Memory after memory passed through my thoughts, image after image imprinted itself inside my brain. It didn't take long before I realized, He's always pulled me through dark nights. He always made the sun rise again in the morning. Never once has He failed to provide whatever comfort I needed to survive a devastating blow life threw at me. This one didn't startle Him either.

The tears were still flowing down my cheeks, but I started croaking out my favorite Lauren Daigle song:

When You don't move the mountain I'm needing You to move-
When You don't part the waters I wish I could walk through-
When You don't give the answers as I cry out to You-
I will trust, I will trust in You-

You are my strength and comfort-
You are my steady hand-
You are my firm foundation-
The Rock on which I stand-
Your ways are always higher-
Your plans are always good-
There's not a place where I'll go-
You've not already stood.

After several half-sung, half-sobbed takes of this, I looked straight up to the sky.

"God, I really do trust You. I know you love those little fellas more than I could ever dream. I want You to guide their little steps and protect their tiny hearts. Let them know they are loved intensely and never let them doubt that. Keep them safe in all things. Protect them in every way. Right now I ask that You already begin molding everyone that will have a part in their life. Let every one encourage and support them, be there for them in the ways they need, lead them by example down a good path, teach them right, love them sincerely... God, please. Lord, please. Just... please."

I felt a little better, but my heart was still breaking into a million tiny pieces. I pulled up the photos on my phone and looked at every picture, watched every video, and then I came upon the Dedication Service. With tears streaming rapidly I let out a very heavy and weak, "God, I miss them so much. I want more hugs. I want to give more high fives and knuckle touches. I want to hear that, loud 'Muah!' sound C1 makes when he gives me kisses. I want to hear him call every dog Aubrey again. I want... I want..."

And I was done again. I lost it. My heart was racing, I was creating my very own river, and the pain was so deep it became something I physically felt. But, just like that, I felt God speak to my heart.

"Kristi, I know you're not done... And I assure you, I'm not either."

And all of a sudden those painful tears turned to tears of joy. I knew God had this situation under control. I understood that He had a plan for us all. And I saw just how possible it was to still trust Him when life was at its darkest. I can't explain it. I don't have a step-by-step strategy on how to accomplish this in your life. All I know is that He provides it. I've had several people shake their head in disbelief at my reasoning for still choosing to serve Him when my life has already ventured through some rough terrain.

It's because I trust Him. I really do. He's never taken something from my hands without handing me something even better. It's pretty impossible to grasp that when you're first facing loss, but give it time. Your hands will be full again.

 And in this situation... I know He's not done working. I don't know what He has up His sleeve, but it's gonna be good. It always is. Do I miss those boys? OMG. More than I could ever say. Was I disappointed in how things worked out? For sure. Do I still cry sometimes when I think about the precious memories we made? Quite often, actually. Do I know what our future holds? Do I know how theirs will turn out? No. Was I finished with them? Absolutely not. But, you know what?

He's not either.


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  1. Sweetheart, I'm so very sorry. I know it's not a comfort now, and your heart will always hurt for those children, but please be assured that you showed those babies what true love is, who God really is, and that there is good in this world. They will always be stronger and better men because of you and Aaron. My heart aches for you. Love you sweetheart.

    1. Thank you so much! Your kind words always lift up my spirit! Love you, too.